Posts : 2543
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Join date : 2011-05-23
Age : 26
Location : Lubao, Pampanga
|Subject: Have the Strength to Walk Away When he Wants to Be Friends With Benefits Tue Aug 30, 2011 11:59 pm|| |
I wanted to share some dating advice with you all on a reader’s response to my article “Don’t Be His Friend” where I shared Christian Carter’s advice on how to avoid the “friends with benefits” trap.
I was recently reading your article titled "Don't be his friend." I find myself in this situation where I have been seeing a guy for 4 months and I did all the wrong things which led us to have the "talk" where he told me wants us to be friends but still each other and do romantic things. We left things off in a friendly tone but I've been thinking about what I should do next...remain his "friend" or just quit talking to him but after reading your article I think I will follow your advice. I just have a quick question/comment: My fear in continuing to be his friend but cutting off any lunches, dinners or talking/hanging out is that he will just move on to someone else that will give him more of what he wants or perhaps someone better than me? In this case, what if he ends up in a relationship or invested in someone?? (even though he told me he didn't want this with ME) I might feel regret for not actually sticking around and would make me think....that could of been me! This happened to me in the past where I was seeing someone, they told me they did not want a relationship with me because they had just finished a relationship with someone and had ex-gf drama. I was on and off with him. Towards the end we were drifting apart although I still hoped for more with him but he met someone else and they have been together ever since. It made me feel as though I was lacking something, I did something wrong...or I didn't play my cards right. Please help. I hope to hear some good advice from you!!
First of all, I am very happy to know that you are seeing a pattern in your life and may be able to overcome it. In addition, congratulations on being open to LEARNING new things about yourself and about your relationships – this is a vital aspect to being able to “Catch Him and Keep Him” as Christian Carter says – because so many times our old habits and ways of doing things are NOT working for us!
So, on to your question…what if he really DOES leave when I cut off the relationship after he says he wants to be friends? Well, let me tell you what you NEED to hear in this case, rather than what you probably want to hear. If he does – then so be it. There is no guarantee in life that a man you are attracted to is going to be attracted back. There are certainly things you can do to escalate the attraction and to encourage him to want you in that way. However, if you have been overdoing, or chasing him, or pushing him in a way that brings your relationship to a point where he just wants to be friends, the problem is that he has lost his attraction for you, and it may NOT come back.
But this ok. You have to be strong here, because you do not want to be a doormat for a man. You want to be a strong, independent, powerful woman and Christian Carter emphasizes this when he tells you that you HAVE to love yourself first. You have to be able to have fun doing things that YOU want to do instead of what a man wants to do. Pamper yourself, make a date with yourself, go out and have fun being YOU and not being defined by your relationship.
You will learn from your mistakes, and what makes you think that this ONE man is the ONE man for you? Have you been able to experience a healthy, mature relationship yet where the give and take is equal, where your feelings, your wants, your needs were heard and met? Maybe you have, and maybe you have not, but my feeling is that you need to experience this, and regretting moving on is not the way to grow and expand yourself into the person you want to be.
Never let a man trample you. Don’t let him rule you. Don’t change yourself to be what he wants you to be. If he left – it IS his loss. You will find a more fulfilling and healthy relationship. Check out my post on the blog about being the “cool girl” and learn things that you can do to escalate attraction and assert yourself within a relationship or dating setting. And I hear the other readers saying “You go girl!” because you DO.